Published November 8, 2009
In the winter amidst the haze
of the nostalgia of the better days
Old men walk on their weakened bones
some in groups and some alone
To the cemeteries that their old friends call home
In their heads they solemnly ask
Why was I left for last
when so many others came and passed
And then they stand still in sorrow
Before the cold promise of tomorrow
And somewhere in the snow
old loves seem to say
We don’t know
Oh, We just don’t know
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,385 Reviews
Hey there.
Personally, I quite enjoyed your poem. It had wonderful rhythm, and is very strong for consisting only of 3 stanzas.
Personally, this is my favorite part of the poem. The last line strongly portrays the atmosphere of the poem.
For the second stanza, I also like how it gives some insight to the ones still living, makes it a little deeper.
The first two lines of this stanza I enjoy, but the last two lines just don't seem to fit quite right. I like how short it is, just as is life, but, it seems like it just... ended, when there could have been more.
Hey-o! I like the play on words with your user-name, very catchy.
Ok! Your poem was very lovely and had a good steady rhythm. Let's start with my favorites.
I just thought it was a great line... wish i had though of it!
What I think needs work is:
To many syllables, I would shorten it somehow.
It doesn't fit. It's misssing the slight match-matchness that the rest of the lines have. All in all it was a great poem. It had the feel of a modern Poe poem. I was suprised and that was nice.
Hello! I really like this poem. It flows beautifully, the rhyming is not forced at all and it skips along nicely. It's also very strong - vivid description and it's perfectly clear what the message is. The only complaint I have is that the second stanza should have speech marks, or perhaps italics, to show the men are thinking or speaking. Oh and a question mark, because there is a question in there. There should be speech marks or italics in the last stanza as well, when the people reply. Great job, though.
Hi Edgar Allan Joe,
Very nice. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, if not purely for the content then for the way that it strung along the reader and made him dance to this poem's pleasing tune.
It is, however, a raw poem and there are many parts that need adjustment.
First stanza is good. The hint of underlying imagery but the paucity of any extravagant description is useful because it illustrates the "living but dying" atmosphere that you're trying to portray.
The second stanza ends badly. The cold promise of tomorrow is repetitive because the reader already understands that the old people who are left on this earth already are lamenting the fact that they have been abandoned to live each day without the comfort of those who have passed on. You don't need to remind us that there's a "cold" promise of tomorrow. Cut that line, or at least make it subtler.
Stellar ending. The lack of much internal punctuation (this goes for the whole poem, not just this stanza) was effective because it blends together the dialogue and the outside description. I do not know if you intended for it to be so, but it works. Take note of that.
Overall, certainly a piece that deserves re-working and re-posting on this forum sometime soon. Keep at it.
Hope that helped,
Galerius